10 Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Abuse draped in the lie that love is what you’re experiencing
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed professional, but I have been in an emotional abusive relationship. While every abusive relationship is different, I think there is a very pointed pattern of behavior from abusers. Please comment more that you have noticed in your own life. It could save someone.
Please Note: I am writing this from the point of view of a woman who is being abused by a man, however, men are also abused by women. All of these same warning signs apply.
EARLY WARNING SIGNS
1.Things will move fast. Labeling the relationship, moving in together and even marriage will be discussed very quickly. Notice HOW YOU FEEL. Are your feelings being taken into account or does it seem like they are making these decisions and letting you know afterward? You may feel a sense of nervousness about pumping the brakes and upsetting them.
2. They will test your reactions to their trauma dumping and you will frame it as brave vulnerability. Now it’s good to be vulnerable, but healthy vulnerability takes time. It does not happen after the second night out and too many drinks. If you notice they are suddenly springing on you details about their hard childhood or other extremely difficult times in their life where they were a victim, take note. This is usually to see how empathetic you are… how willing you are to care for them emotionally.
3. They will frame their constant need to be with you as love. It’s not. They will begin by guilt-tripping you for going out with friends, seeing family, even just wanting to have some time alone. I want to specify that clever abusers never outright say, “Don’t go.” Instead, they make you feel so bad about going in order to control you through the path of least resistance: mentally. Friends will begin to wonder where you went or why it is so hard to see you without him present. Depending on the situation, family members may not notice. It depends if the abuser views any member of the family as a threat to the relationship.
4. They will test your loved ones’ boundaries so that they can witness you fight for them. They will upset your family members or friends by using things they know bother them or annoy them to see how you react. They are carefully watching YOU. If you accept it, they know they can continue and that they have you mentally siding with them.
NOW THAT YOU’RE AN ESTABLISHED COUPLE WARNING SIGNS
5. They will begin to chip away at anything that makes you happy or feel confident about yourself. If you love photography, they will say things like, “You’ll never make money doing that”. Did you purchase a new crop top and want to wear it to a concert? They will tell you they don’t want you to wear it. They will begin pulling back on the love-bombing that happened in the beginning of the relationship. No more compliments about how great you are or how beautiful you are. You will notice a shift.
6. They will start gaslighting you. This is SO subtle. Being gaslight is like someone staring directly at you, dead serious and saying the sky is red. You say it isn’t and it becomes an all-out war because you know you are right. You are 100 percent sure of it, but they are so convincing, so serious in their almost concern about how you could be so wrong. Slowly, you begin to doubt your sanity. Your sanity becomes a mountain of clay that they mold to protect themselves from all accountability for their actions against you.
Other Examples of Gaslighting:
- They will tell you that you said something at a party or gathering, but you didn’t. You know you didn’t. A fight ensues and you end up apologizing for what you said by the end of it just to make the fight stop.
- You hear them call you a derogatory name from another room. When you confront them, they claim it was another word, a complimentary word that sounds similar. You swear you heard the derogatory word. You would’ve bet your life on it.
- Claiming that you are overreacting when you are simply bringing up how something made you feel.
According to GoodTherapy.org, “Gaslighting may lead a person to develop mental health concerns. The constant self-doubt and confusion can contribute to anxiety. A person’s hopelessness and low self-esteem may lead to depression. Posttraumatic stress and codependency are also common developments. Some survivors may struggle to trust others. They may be on constant guard for further manipulation. The person may blame themself for not catching the gaslighting earlier. Their refusal to show vulnerability might cause strain in future relationships. Other survivors may become desperate for validation. They may try to keep other people around them with people-pleasing behaviors. Their submissiveness may put them at risk to be another abuser’s target.”¹
Speaking from my own experience, I believe gaslighting has been the single most impactful thing that I have gone through in my life because the statement above is so painfully true. It distorts your self-worth in a way that follows you afterward. It takes recognition and intensive healing to not let the aftereffects continue for a lifetime.
7. They will ruin what should be good moments and memories. Notice how they act on days or events that mean a lot to you. Birthdays, graduations, weddings, etc. Do they pout? Do they seem to create fights and nitpick that day seemingly for no reason? Do other people notice their behavior and ask you what is wrong? This is another way to abuse you. Ruining memories that you are excited about due to their behavior is abuse. I consider it abuse. They are permanently damaging what could’ve been a beautiful memory.
RIGHT BEFORE YOU LEAVE
8. They will promise to change.
9. They will tell you that you will never find someone else.
10. They will cry and beg for you to stay.
You will want to save them. You can’t. Leave and never look back.
I promise you, to this day it is the best decision I have ever made. I would not be half the woman I am today if I would’ve stayed in that stunted cycle of pain.
You are capable of so much. Go find your true joy outside of the distortion of an abusive relationship. Your future self will thank you.
Love, Scarlett Gray
©
Scarlett Gray / May 27, 2021
- “Gaslighting.” GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog, www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/gaslighting.
